Unfortunately, I'm not sure that this new found knowledge will enable me to dodge bullets or fly.
As this is my eighth semester (and my final semester FOR REAL THIS TIME), I've finished my Psychology requirements for my major and am now focusing on Sociology. My favourite class this semester is Marriage and Family (hey, it's relevant! Not that I have any prospects for the foreseeable future, but y'know...). Today's topic in question was related to singleness and single sexuality.
Which is particularly relevant to me, since Dan got dumped a year ago and I've not had an offline relationship since. There was the guy from my SWTOR guild in Australia, buuuuuut...
*ahem* I digress. (Also, gentlemen: If you're between 21 and 28, enjoy Star Wars cosplaying, are familiar with the Silmarillion, and live in the Winnipeg or Ottawa areas, I think my email address is visible in my profile... ;) Bonus points if you bear resemblance to David Tennant or Ewan McGregor!)
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| Story of my life. |
I'm working through a lot of new ideas, so bear with me. This is gonna be a loooong post.
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| Also, gifs are my new dark master. |
Let's establish some background information before I get into why my brain is twisting itself into a knot. I'm a Christian (not that I like the term very much because of all the negative connotations attached to it, but... *shrug*), I've been raised in a conservative evangelical tradition, the society that I live in (and especially in my hometown) tends to be patriarchal and traditional, and as a very impressionable (read: gullible) child, I tended to absorb everything I was told and believed it to be true. I've grown up with a few beliefs that I'm now greatly conflicted by, and I'm just going to focus on a few that relate to this course:
- Boys are walking hormones who only want to get into girls' pants. And no, I do not mean emo boys wearing girls' skinny jeans.
- As a good little Christian girl, I absolutely must NOT sacrifice my virginity before getting married. Boys somehow get exempt from this.
- If you get married, you stay married for life.
- Did I mention no premarital sex?
- When I do get married, I'm going to raise lots of babies in my husband's name while he goes off and does all the career work. Heaven help me since I am decidedly not domestically-minded. Anyone who's seen my room can vouch for this.
- The husband is the head of the household, yada yada yada.
- Gay marriage and masturbation and abortion are GIANT no-nos.
There's more, of course. These are just the biggest ones that I'm fighting with. Considering today's topic (singleness and single sexuality), you can guess what's got me thinking today.
That's right! Boys and sex!
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| Yes, I wear this expression regularly. |
I am an almost-22-year-old woman in North America who lives on the Internet and hangs out with guys IRL. As a result, sex is on my mind ALL THE TIME, whether I'm consciously thinking about it or not. (Related- Freud was one of my favourite psychological theorists to study during my intro courses, if for no other reason than for the giggles.) I still am in possession of my V-card, so I have no experience going further than third-base, but I admit that I am a sucker for well-written erotica and have cybered before. And aside from the couple of times that it sucked (because I had zero idea what I was doing, or the guy was a creep- that happened once and I've since gotten pickier-, or the guy had no concept of correct writing...), it was most enjoyable. ^.^ The Aussie guy mentioned above whom I dated for a couple of months over Skype? If we were together in person, we probably would have gotten laid, and I'm not sure that I'd regret it.
Yet according to the doctrine I've grown up with, my sexual explorations have been BAD and SINFUL. The teachings of my childhood church and my Christian high school were that "you HAVE to save yourself for marriage and God help you if you flirt with a boy you're not dating and sex is a sin- unless you're married, in which case it's gonna be awesome!" I was during my early-adolescent years in possession of a book that my parents gave me, from Christian authors, teaching me all about the changes in my body that were happening and what exactly went into baby-making special hugs. One of the authors of the book made a very big deal about how he didn't kiss any girl until his wedding day, and wasn't he just such a good Christian for being so pure like that? Another book that I had, written by a female Christian author, told me that to be a good Christian girlfriend, I need to play hard-to-get, make boys chase me, and then be all domesticated when one did eventually catch me and make my life vanish under his shadow.
Naturally, being the very impressionable youngster that I was, I believed this staunchly all the way up til about two years ago. I'd made a vow to imitate the guy who didn't kiss any of his girlfriends, and that lasted until my first boyfriend kissed me at 16. My dad, in the tradition of other Christian fathers in our area, had a Talk (with the capitalization) with me at the tender age of 13 to warn me that boys are hormone-driven bundles of evilness and to bestow upon me a purity ring (which I ended up losing a year or so later. The ring, not the purity symbolized by it!). My Christian high school took things a step further by banning all forms of dancing and instilling dress codes upon the girls- skirts had to be knee-length or longer, shorts were only acceptable for gym class, and noooo tank tops. I don't recall the boys having dress codes beyond "no shirt, no shoes, no attendance". And compared to what it was when my parents were in high school (when there was straight-up sex segregation), that's liberal.
The message intended: God only knows.
The message received: Gooo double-standards! Ladies, if you dress in clothing that shows off your shoulders/legs/cleavage/whatever, you're going to turn boys on because they can't control their hormones. And men being turned on is YOUR FAULT.
I don't know that the guys ever got messages on controlling those wild hormones or behaving themselves around ladies in whatever state of dress/mind. The overall message to both sides was "DON'T HAVE SEX EVER UNTIL YOU GOT A RING ON IT BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS SO."
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| I don't know either, Doctor. |
Today I wear tank-tops year-round BECAUSE I CAN, I go to dances at Providence whenever I can BECAUSE I CAN, I go drinking with friends BECAUSE I CAN (when I can afford it...), and the only reason I don't wear short-shorts is because I'm chubby (I'm working on it. Slave Leia is on my list of future cosplays!). I still have issues with being comfortable with my body, however, and I feel like a good chunk of that is due to Prairie. But I digress.
The reason for all this talk of virginity being a Big Deal and patriarchal chivalry being another Big Deal is that it's supposedly ordered in the Bible. People didn't have sex outside of marriage without getting stoned in the Bible, women are told to dress "modestly", and we all know that one passage in Leviticus that says you can stone gay folks. Let's look further into this, shall we?
First up, the one overriding trait that makes feminists hate the Bible and why Christians have a bad rep (well, one reason): PATRIARCHY. Clearly, men were made first, and they're mentioned to be the ceremonially clean heads of the household in Hebrew times. As men are stronger and the ones who don't give birth to/raise babies, they're clearly the more desired sex to have around and in power. Therefore: Men are in charge, and women can get screwed, literally (but only by their husbands, mind!)
Many Christians use this to justify having men as the heads of the household and to keep on with their archaic traditions. But it's not a good Christian (or Jewish) mindset to take (I know that the Bible influences the Islamic faith, but as I'm not overly familiar with the Muslim tradition I'm just not even going to touch on that. We're not about offending people needlessly, here in the lair!). People do not like taking into account the cultural surroundings in the Ancient Near East, where polygamy was commonplace (even in Israel. Remember Solomon with his 700 wives? NOBODY needs to get laid THAT often...), slavery was the norm, and fathers had the power to kill their wives and children, or sell them into slavery on a whim. That was the culture that the Bible was written in. Women were not considered smart enough to be intellectual (obviously untrue. I mean, hello! *points to self*) and only good for making babies. And heaven help the woman who wasn't a virgin when she got married- likely an arranged marriage to a much older man with other wives already. That was the cultural ideal- the women who were good wives were young and fertile and hadn't ever been touched before by a man. Therefore, they solely belonged to their new husbands.
When the heck did virginity become such a big deal? I'll have to research that. It's not a normal human mindset though, strictly a cultural one. There are societies where young adults are expected/encouraged to have sex with whomever they wish before settling down to marry. Non-Christian? I don't think so. The only Biblical opinion on sex outside of marriage is to not cheat on your partner AFTER getting married. That's the only time Jesus mentioned it, so that should be good enough for the rest of the world? Capiche?
Jesus also was the first recorded individual to call out men on their sexual double-standards and to treat women as capable of intellectual conversation. A theory that's been mentioned in class is that he was crucified for being the first feminist and therefore upsetting the status quo. Paul also didn't discourage premarital sex- he just said to not engage in "fornication". Porne, the word translated as fornication, by the way, is more properly translated into "whoring" or "harlotry" or "prostitution". Having sex with your unmarried SO when you're committed to each other, by virtue of non-condemnation in the Biblical text when translated correctly, is fine. Selling yourself for sex or cheating on your spouse is not okay.
I am not in favour of patriarchy constantly empowering men and disempowering women. I am a feminist in the sense that I believe women have the same rights as men, and that men need to be held accountable for the same things that make the world judge women harshly (ie, sleeping around. A man and a woman can have the same number of sexual partners, but guess who's the slut and who's the player?). Women are every bit as capable as men, so why are we all not held to the same standards?
"But AJ! Adam was made first, so that means that women are inferior!"
Two comebacks to that. First... haven't you heard of a "rough draft" and a "masterpiece"?
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| Just kidding. I love you, dudes of the world. Well, most of you. The dude with the BO at work is exempt. |
Secondly, because Professor Val would dock me marks if I wasn't using more course references- you refer to Genesis 1, yes? Where God made what is translated as "man"? Surprise- the Hebrew word, ha'adam, properly translates as "earthling". No sex or gender specified until Thing Two (Eve). For all we know, Adam could very well have been androgynous or intersex. So in your face, patriarchists!
Next point: Virginity.
I think I get why it was such a big deal in the Ancient Near East. Women who had sex outside of marriage (whether consensual or otherwise. Yes, this happened to rape victims.) had to marry the man who took their V-cards in Hebrew culture, and I'm not sure about other ANE cultures. The Hebrew culture was actually comparatively protective of women as compared to surrounding societies, although conditions (compared to 21st century North America) were still shitty for the feminine folk. But that was several thousand years ago now! Why are teenagers (especially girls) told repeatedly that they have to save themselves for marriage and not have sex beforehand for fear of hell and damnation?
Point One: Pregnancy and AIDS. Okay, fair point, and condoms only go so far. But does not everything in life have risks that we accept? And if two people, not married but committed, who are careful and ready to accept any consequences are up for having sex, why stop them?
Point Two: "But the Bible says you have to be a virgin to get married the first time/be pure when you're married!" Show me the verse in multiple translations, including the original language, that says that. And then analyze the cultural contexts and question why we keep THAT when we don't keep slavery around, or some of the other ridiculous (to us) laws.
Point Three: "You'll regret it! You'll feel awful! The best sex is when you're married!" Okay, that's purely subjective. I have more than a few friends (actually, as it turns out, most of my friends have gotten laid whether married or not! Hmmm.) who say that they've had sex and no regrets afterward. To be fair, I am acquainted with people who've had sex and regret it- but again, it's completely subjective. Who are you to tell me how to think?
Oh, yeah. Society, which has trained in us how to think. If we do feel guilt post-sex, it's a socially-instilled feeling that we're taught we must have after breaking a norm like that. And by the way, the idea of waiting on sex is a straight-up cultural ideal, not a Biblical one. Mmkay?
Besides, the first time you have sex on your wedding night is NOT going to be amazing if you've spent your life before that moment with the belief that sex is bad and you have to put it off. It's going to be awkward for both parties involved.
Point Four: "It's tradition!" It's tradition for a woman's marriageable worth to be based solely on her virginity, which was supposed to be guarded by her father and sold to a husband so she would sexually belong to only one person while he could screw anyone he wished? Yep.
I mentioned being given a purity ring by my dad when I was thirteen. That was a common thing for girls my age. But if you want to hear about a Thing (yes, capitalized) in the States that takes the concept to an extreme, go check out Purity Balls. Go on. And then get back to me with your thoughts on the subject. I'll wait here.
Back so soon?
I believe those dads (and mine) have the best of intentions. But it doesn't stop the whole concept of purity rituals (whatever forms they may take) of being disempowering for women and reeking of the same patriarchy that was licence to hurt women for the last several thousand years. My virginity is the property of no one but myself, and I have the full choice as to what to do with it and my body, and the choice to get laid or not, regardless of what other individuals (suitors, parents, church people, and whoever else) may say or think. And, fun fact- about 1/6 of teenagers take some form of purity pledge in their early adolescence. Over 80% of them break it before getting hitched, if they get married at all.
Conclusions?
For myself, I'm still sorting through all of this, but writing this post has helped a lot. I'm not aiming to go out and get laid with the first dude who asks- I have standards, after all. But I don't know that I'd have a problem with having sex with my hypothetical boyfriend if we were committed to each other for the long term. My virginity does not define me or my worth, and I am allowed (as a self-sufficient, intelligent, sexual human being) to choose who and when to sleep with someone..
In short...
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| Well, maybe. Or maybe this was just a shameless excuse to use a Firefly gif. You'll never know... |
Gentlemen... please form an orderly line and I'll hand out the applications for boyfriend status. ;)
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